The morning sun, not a blaring alarm clock, was what woke her up. In fact, she hadn’t even set the alarm clock. She’d been too careless even to draw the blinds when she arrived home, late at night; too careless to put on her pajamas. She’d only removed her clothes and dived into bed, and now she could see that the clothes were scattered on the floor like a dead body, a very stylish carcass, but all she was able to do was scan her surroundings with an empty mind. Her brain was sort of in a vacuum, and it was a strange feeling that had nothing to do with the common hangover. Besides, I only had one drink… and I didn’t even finish it. It had to do with the fact of having something lurking in the back of her mind, and not wanting it to come forth - as if the vacuum-pause state could restrain it.
It couldn’t. Thinking about that lurking thing was enough to ruin the illusion. She covered her head with the pillow, but that didn’t prevent the avalanche from tumbling over her head – inside her head. It was as if she could still feel Lena on top of her, surprisingly brave in a deliciously delicate way. Yulia could swear that the girl was still touching her, that she had left permanent fingerprints, bites and kisses on her skin, and that she would always feel them. The surging, enveloping urge to touch, the consuming need to satisfy her desire - she was still feeling it.
She felt heavy, exhausted, but satiated. The things that Lena had done to her, how could she know exactly how to do them? At one point, she had moaned into Lena’s mouth (it had been more of a muffled scream) and, on another, she had to cover her own face with her hands. For some reason, the redhead hadn’t emitted more than a gasp, but Yulia knew that she had enjoyed it very much, as if she’d automatically acquired the ability of reading Lena’s body after the first touch.
When a door is opened, everything comes in: those things you want to remember and those things you don’t. I must’ve been out of my mind, she mused, letting out a small groan. The words “sex with a stranger” did not bother her at all, or the fact that she’d been unfaithful to her boyfriend. Those were the stupid concerns of a straight-laced society with nothing better to do than gossip and tell everyone how to live their lives. She was an outcast in such society.
The thing that was really making her think now (and prevented her from thinking the night before) was that she’d been so completely taken over, like a possession, of which the mind-blowing sexual encounter was only a natural outcome, because it had been much more.
Now what? She wondered, while sinking deeper in the soft sea of covers, remembering everything…
The redhead dressed slowly and silently, without looking at her. Yulia hunted for her clothes and dressed, while Lena tried to flatten her hair with her hands. Her instinct was to leave Lena alone, since the redhead seemed to be deep in thought, and wait for some kind of resolution - or at least some little remark of what had just happened. So she said nothing when Lena started the car; she didn’t even ask where they were heading to. However, she was unable to keep quiet when she saw that Lena was driving back to the party and parking the car in the exact same spot it had been before.
“What are you doing?” she blurted out.
“I’m taking a chance. Maybe they didn’t notice we left.” Lena was staring straight ahead, her hands resting on the wheel, still not looking at her.
Oh, Yulia thought, letting the reality of those words hit her in the face. After a couple of seconds, she reacted. “Is this your way of saying ‘Hey, let’s pretend nothing happened’?”
Lena shrugged. “It’s the right thing to do.”
Yulia opened her mouth but didn’t know what to say to the person she’d just had sex with, which confused her a great deal. She still felt tingly all over herself but, at the same time, she felt she was being wronged.
“But…” she muttered.
“Look, this has clearly been a mistake, so we better forget it ever happened and let us go on with our lives.”
“But you’re not even looking at me. Why? Does it embarrass you so much?”
A pause. “Let us be mature, okay?”
“How is forgetting what happened mature?”
“You go in first, look for your boyfriend. I’ll wait a couple of minutes here and then I’ll go find mine. Maybe they didn’t notice, maybe-”
“Fuck, Lena, you’re just… saying things! Are you even listening to me?”
Silence.
Lena’s voice had been completely steady, automatic, and not much louder than a whisper, like a recorded voice giving out instructions, and Yulia couldn’t stand it any longer. She grabbed the redhead by the shoulder and pulled her down, against the seat, forcing her to look her in the eye.
“Is that what you really want?”
“Yes.” She answered, without blinking.
The brunette didn’t even nod. She opened the car’s door and hopped out, making for the party without looking up at anyone’s face. No one stopped her or said a thing to her, so she guessed that their escapade did go unnoticed. Yulia only raised her head when she found her boyfriend amongst the crowd. Inwardly, she fumed. Why the hell was she doing what Lena wanted? She was furious, swearing in her mind, but wouldn’t allow it to come out. Instead, she placed herself beside her boyfriend and allowed to be enveloped by one of his arms (which felt like wood, in comparison with what she’d just felt). She also directed a small, polite smile to her boyfriend’s companion, but the smile froze when she recognized him as Lena’s boyfriend.
“Yulia, this is Phil.” Alex said, gesturing towards the boy with his tube-shaped glass.
“Pleased to meet you,” Phil said, smiling honestly and shaking her hand.
But Yulia could only nod, with that stupid smile congealed on her lips, especially when she saw a very familiar red hair bobbing up and down, approaching them, sailing elegantly between the groups of people. Here we go. She watched the redhead touch Phil’s arm (Lights), watched him smile (Camera) and good-naturedly ask “Where you been? Are you still mad at me?”
“No,” Lena answered. “I’m sorry…”
And...
She waited three eternal seconds for Lena’s eyes to leave Phil’s face and focus on Alex.
…Action, Yulia thought, seeing a flash of recognition in those deep-green eyes. It lasted less than a second, though, and it was completely gone when Lena finally looked at her. That half-a-second had sufficed the redhead to prepare. To prepare the damn comedy, Yulia mused, incredulous and awed.
“Well, Alex, Yulia, this is my girlfriend Elena.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Alex, and shook her hand.
Yulia said nothing when it was her turn to shake Lena’s hand. The contact was brief, cold and unfamiliar, with sliding fingers, and Lena only delivered an even colder “Pleasure”. Sure, pleasure’s the word.
“You okay?” Phil asked Lena, stroking her shoulder and then her hair, while Yulia dug her eyes on those strange fingers, touching what she had just touched - owning what she had very briefly owned.
“No, I’m having a headache,” Lena said weakly, leaning into the boy. Yulia merely clenched her jaws.
“Oh? Do you want us to leave?”
“Yes, please,” Lena replied, even more weakly. “Please, take me home.”
And the Oscar goes to…
“Okay, I’ll drive. Will you excuse us?” Phil asked both Yulia and Alex, smiling like a polite boy.
“Of course,” Alex said. “See you another night, Elena. Hope you feel better.”
“Sure. Bye.”the redhead said, not looking at any of them.
Yeah. Headache.
Yulia felt a pang of pain as Lena turned around and disappeared into the crowd, as if darkness had swallowed her. She wanted to be swallowed too. Anything but staying there, nailed to the floor, feeling the rejection like a punch in the stomach and a vast emptiness.
The most confusing thing had been the quickness of it all; it had slipped between her fingers like sand, like Lena’s hair…
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